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What Are We Teaching Our Girls About Dating Guys Based On Looks?


There are always stories burning up the internet, but one that made me stop and take notice was the one about a little girl telling Beyonce that she admires her for pretending that Jay-Z isn’t ugly. Now is the story true? Probably not. But one thing that is certain is people talk about Jay and Bey as if they’re Beauty and The Beast. He’s become the poster child for what it’s like to marry an ‘ugly’ dude, a kind of warning to young girls everywhere.

I was reminded of my own first dating experience and how it will ultimately shape what I teach my girls about dating based on looks…


We were set up by a friend the summer before high school. In those days of living in different neighborhoods and going to different schools, pre-cellphone and internet, it was common to develop a relationship over the phone, without meeting first. It was great because it meant spending hours talking, getting to know each other. He loved basketball, his friends, and Sade, and once sang her entire album to me one night in an attempt to put me to sleep. Actually, I wasn’t really asleep, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I didn’t like Sade. He was just the sweetest guy ever.


Finally, the day came when we were to meet. It was our first official date to the movies, and his mom was to be our chaperone. My stomach was in knots all day because what if I didn’t like him, when I already liked him? We’d invested so much time.


He knocked on my door and when I came to open it his back was turned. My first impression was that dude was a freakin’ giant! He was like 7 feet tall. When he turned around I saw the most beautiful brown eyes, thick black hair, and the best smile. What a cutie!


From then on he’d come see me once a week, pedaling his way across town on his bicycle. We’d spend hours talking on my front porch, joking around, and dodging the stalking eyes of my mom who was making sure he didn’t try to steal a kiss. I liked him, and he liked me.


One day, during one of his visits, my favorite aunt stopped by. I was excited for her to meet him and happy when we all sat on the porch chatting away. Once he was pedaling his way back home, and was out of earshot, I asked her what she thought of him.


“He’s cute,” she said, “but he sure does have a big schnauzer!”




“His nose; it’s huge!”


I hadn’t noticed. But now it’s all I could think about. And like an annoying pimple, it got bigger and bigger with each visit. I became shy about introducing him to my friends for fear of what they might think, and little things started bothering me. One day when he did something I didn’t like, I screamed, “We’re through!” And just like that I broke up with him. He was crushed, but the way I saw it, it just wasn’t meant to be.


That should be the end of the story, but it’s not.


Remember when I said he liked basketball? He was just joining the basketball team around the time we broke up, and turns out; he was a very good player. He became a staple on TV, breaking all kinds of high school records, and ended up getting a full scholarship to college where his popularity grew even more. From there he finished college early and signed a multi-million dollar contract with the NBA. My head was spinning. It was like someone had played a cruel joke on me where the frog really did turn into a prince. At one point, even my aunt circled back, asking, ‘what happened?!’ Let’s just say, I was glad there were no knives around.


Sometimes I would think about it and feel so dumb. It wasn’t just that he became so rich and successful; it was also that he was a really nice guy who treated me with nothing but respect. And it’s not like the relationship had to last forever, first ones rarely do, but I can only imagine what he could have taught me about being a winner. Sadly, things ended so badly that it was hard to even be friends.

So what did I ultimately learn? Sometimes there’s a lot of beauty in that beast; and sometimes, other people’s opinions can talk you right out of a good thing. Perhaps if there’d been a star as big as Beyonce around, professing to love her man’s ‘Jackson 5 nostrils,’ things might have turned out different.

  • Simply Susan
    February 29, 2016

    Look fade… they are shallow… but we are socialized to base so much on them. Here is the real question — how do we teach this new generation to dig deeper? To overcome the stupidity? In world where social media is Queen, is there hope that our children will overcome a looks-obsessed world? I sure hope so. I think we should start by modeling upstanding behavior and speech but also DEMANDING that the Hollywood, social media and fashion worlds, etc. start valuing MORE. Right? Also… you know… not all of our girls will date guys… just saying’…

    • Erickka Sy Savané
      February 29, 2016

      I know, it’s kinda crazy for people to talk about this one and that one is ugly. I don’t even use the word. What’s a person about? That’s the real value. And true, not all girl will date guys, lol, but that’s another story!

  • Nikki
    February 29, 2016

    Great article Erickka!! It’s so cliche, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    • Erickka Sy Savané
      February 29, 2016

      Thanks Nikki, and sometimes the biggest cliches are true…

  • BGNU
    March 1, 2016

    Erickka I so enjoy your honesty and fresh approach to storytelling. Please continue to be a much needed voice in this world of blogging.

    • Erickka Sy Savané
      March 1, 2016

      Thank you!

  • pippa
    March 3, 2016

    It wasn’t just that he became so rich & successful : he was also a really nice guy, but being rich & successful sure does help ….The sad truth is that in America men are judged by their bank accounts & women are judged on their looks , unfortunately I posses neither … looking fwd to the next installment of the coolest blog on the web.

    • Erickka Sy Savané
      March 17, 2016

      Thank you for reading and leaving your commentary, always enjoyed and appreciated:-)

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